Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire
I lie to my five year old daughter Gracie all the time and I feel guilty about it…well, sometimes I do. I don’t lie about big important things, it’s the little things. Instead of entering into a lengthy explanation about why we can’t do something right now or where exactly I’m going, I lie. For instance, last week we had tickets to a NJ Devils game on a Wednesday night. I haven’t been to a game with just my husband in a couple of years, and I LOVE hockey. So we dropped Gracie off with Nana, while we checked out a couple of periods of the game. I tried not to mention that we were going to a hockey game at all, but Daddy didn’t catch my drift (daddies seldom do) so he spilled the beans. She was feeling really left out, which was exactly what I was trying to avoid. She asked if she could come too.
So I guess I could have just said “no” and entered into an argument or I could have told her the truth and hurt her very badly. Instead I lied. I explained that it was an adults-only game because it was on a school night. That was that. I told her that when we went on a non-school night she could come. Tonight is Friday, and we are taking her to the game. So, I didn’t lie about that. The upshot is that there was no drama, no stress and no broken hearted five year old. I only felt guilty for the briefest of moments.
Do you lie to your children? Is it okay to lie to them at all?
I can recall a conversation on a forum last year about Santa that surprised me. There were so many mommies who had decided not to tell their kids about Santa because they felt it was lying. Their argument was that they were teaching their children it was unacceptable to lie. If they perpetuated the Santa myth, when their children got older and realized that Santa was not real, they would know that their parents lied to them. Somehow this didn’t seem right to me. I didn’t recall any massive horror upon discovering that Santa wasn’t real, and I never saw it as being lied to. I’ve been doing the Santa thing for Gracie each year. Am I setting her up for a lifetime of trust issues?
Sensing some unecessary mommy guilt on the horizon, I decided to ask a professional for help. I turned to noted NJ/NY psychiatrist Dr. Jason Cohen for advice. Luckily, Dr. Cohen assured me that Santa is a story, or legend meant to inspire positivity and hope around the holidays; it is not a lie. “Children do not have a sudden ephipany or realization regarding Santa Claus”, Dr. Cohen continued. “They begin to sense the exaggeration, and when they finally figure it out they become proud, and view it as a sign of growing up. It is part of the natural process of maturation, and they do not perceive the story as being deceptive.” Whew, I was feeling much better.
Then Dr. Cohen went on to give me a brief and necessary reminder about parenting, “Parenting is about guiding by example. Everyone thinks it is about what you say, but it is really about what you do. Discussing how you plan to cheat on your taxes in front of your child is teaching them to lie, while going back to a store to return money, when you have been given too much change, is teaching them honesty.”
So if you were having mommy guilt about teaching your kids about Santa, or you were having mommy guilt about choosing NOT to teach them about Santa, be assured that either way it doesn’t matter. It seems that our kids won’ be scarred for life either way. So stop worrying about it and go give them some extra hugs, while they will still let you!
Hmmmm….guilt & parenthood….can you get parenthood any other way?
I think a certain amount of fibbing (you notice, that word is so much more pleasant
is necessary when your child isn’t ready for the whole truth (the birds and the bees come to mind) or when it’s just too much reality (why ruin Santa?). BUT, I do try to be as honest as possible and appropriately answer my son if he asks a question. If he is curious about the world, I want to help him explore it, and I want him to trust that I will consistently tell him the truth. Santa being the exception 
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What a great post! I am not so keen on lying. I do remembering holding back the full truth on a few occasions when I thought my kids were not mature enough to handle the subject matter, but other than that I don’t lie. I don’t expect them to lie to me either, ever. I think lying leads to a lack of trust. And while I am sure its hard to imagine, 5 year olds become 13, 16 and 19 year olds very, very quickly. At those ages a trusting relationship is very important in helping our kids grow up to be responsible and respectable adults, and it is also a big key to keeping them safe. So nope, no lying at my house, it’s strictly forbidden. And with regards to the “Big Guy!”, that’s not a lie anyway. Of course there is a Santa Claus! :o)
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Very interesting topic. My daughter is still 2 ½ years old, so we really haven’t been tempted to lie to her yet. However we’re going to have to deal with this issue very soon!
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Actually it could be part of teaching that lying is OK sometimes - difficult I guess but the blanket “No” seems difficult. In the real world subordinates get in trouble for lying to superiors (and not vice versa) for instance.
Lying can also be part of learning about me and others (except we call that kind of lying ‘playing tricks’).
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That’s a great way to look at Santa. In looking back into the mists of time back to when I found out, I never looked at the news as evidence that my parents had lied. That psychiatrist was spot-on.
As for the hockey game, the school night reasoning is a good one — but there will be special things that will happen late on a school night. Like the recent historic US presidential election. There may have to be very special circumstances for such times.
Also, last week, for some inexplicable reasoning, the World Famous Lipizzaner Stallions - a classic live family show - held their one tour date in Connecticut on a school night, a Wednesday night. The show is a two-hour show and ended about nine, after which most spectators had a drive back home because the venue is a bit out-of-the-way. Still, many people brought their young pre-teens to see the show, which was a very special evening for horse lovers and will be a special memory for any horse-crazy child.
I didn’t mean to shift the line around, but there may be special circumstances when “school nights” aren’t untouchable. And kids do remember for decades when they miss out on something truly big.
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I am SO using the school night thing.
Here’s how I look at the lying/fibbing guilt: When our children are older, and they can understand the reasons behind our withholding the truth from them, in each case, will they feel deceived or will they feel we just handled them in a way that was age-appropriate? When an adult or even an older child looks back on young childhood, he or she will be able to classify the “lies” we told into actual lies (which, in my mind, are never good) and stories/legends/fables — or just plain “it was a lot easier to tell you that than to try and explain something that was over your head” stuff.
Santa? He’s in. We’re using Santa to the fullest because sometimes you just need an external, non-biased third party to lay down the law to your child. I like to invoke the names of my son’s teachers. Hubby tends to go with “the man” or “the lady,” which I think may be a slightly British thing. He’ll say, “Cameron! You MUST sit down properly in your seat while we’re eating! The lady just looked over here, and she’s not happy.” I kind of cringe a little at involving innocent restaurant workers and library staff in our parenting. I tend to go with “Cameron, you MUST sit properly while we’re eating so you don’t choke and so you don’t bother other people.” I’m not afraid to parent assertively there.
But I do cop out and, as I said, invoke the teacher’s name at times. Cameron says he doesn’t want to go to school. I say, “Okay, then, shall I call Mrs. D and tell her you don’t want to come to school today?” You’d have thought I threatened to call God Himself. That boy can be up and ready mere moments later. As it IS rather potent, I keep this ace-in-the-hole for special needs situations. As with anything, if it gets used too much, it will lose its effect.
But this is about lying. I don’t consider making up a reason that spares your child’s feelings to be a lie. Children simply can’t understand a lot of what happens day-to-day in adults’ lives. She would have been crushed if you even hinted that you and Bill wanted to do something without her. And, if she looks back on this at age 15, I am sure she’ll say, “Oh yeah, I can see why you did that.”
A completely different thing is not telling children the truth on BIG things. One specific thing comes to mind that my husband and his ex did regarding my step-daughter. When they split up initially, and he bought another house very close by, they made up a story about how they were still together and Daddy needed a different house to work on the computer at night without waking everyone up. I think he figured they would get back together eventually. They sort of did, but then it didn’t work out. We ended up with one confused kid who has since been lied to a lot about a lot of things, and it’s still poisoning their relationship to this day.
And then there’s death. How much can you tell a young child? When my father died this past March, we had to tell my son, especially since I was flying back East for a whole week without him. We explained Heaven and death a bit. He knows that you can die when your body doesn’t work any more. But now he has an on-again-off-again preoccupation with who is in Heaven and who might die. So when he says, “Are you gonna go to Heaven?” to me, I choke back the tears that try to push through and I say, “Someday, but not for a really long time, because you and I are going to spend a long time together here.” That could even be a lie, since I could walk outside and get hit by a bus tomorrow. But at least I’m opening the door for future talks of a theological nature and I am reassuring my son at the same time. And I am being as honest as I can under the circumstances.
Man, parenting is hard.
Parenting from the young adult side, I can add slightly different spin, I think, to this discussion.
Older children do eventually learn the nuances of being truthful. But what does it say to your children that the people they trust the most to help them understand the world lied about small things, big things or anything in-between?
My children see and hear I do, whether I want them to or not. I decided I’d rather have them see me being honest and trustworthy, even when it’s difficult or awkward, than learning that lying is an expedient way to manage relationships or life. That perspective has made my nights as a parent of a teenagers much more restful. I may not like what I’m hearing but I can trust it’s the truth.
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Hi Melissa!
Don’t feel bad that you wanted some “personal” time with your husband ^^ I am sure that your child will understand through the growing of years ^^
Using santa analogy in your story, I’ve liked to be told (as a child) that santa is a legend and thats what santa is . Saying that santa exists (well we never know - but unlikely) to me (as a child) would’ve been a lie or a hoax.
I would appreciate my mom saying something like (but that’s just me ^^)
“Son, it’s being said that santa …. [insert legend] , mom cant say for sure whether he exists, but trust me that presents will appear ^^ , remember that sock!”